?

Log in

The Life of Purplemode

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> profile
> previous 20 entries

Tuesday, October 25th, 2011
7:02 am - Dear Ms.Multiple Sclerosis
I didn't know If I would ever want to share such an intimate poem. But I guess I am ready now more than ever. As I have read this poem back to myself several times, I can taste the selfishness as these words leave my lips. This year more than ever, I see a selfish side of me. It's not about me. But yet, this poem makes me realize that I am making it about me. Regardless, it's happening and there is nothing I can do but be there. Here's to health:


I pray for mercy,
My strength is fading again.
I need to be strong.
There is someone who is strong enough to know God loves her.
The disease crept up on us all.
We weren't ready at all.
It stole our Sunday dinners, our family outings and her driver's license.
... But it did not steal her joy.
No one to blame,
Nowhere to direct this rage inside of me.
I was only seventeen.
pick this rose apart
Tuesday, October 4th, 2011
10:18 am - Where I am, Where I've been
A great friend of mine has persuaded me to start posting on LiveJournal again. I'm a little nervous because I have everything in here and I, at this time, have not made a new journal so EVERYTHING is in here. I can't promise you nothing, should you choose to browse into my past, LOL. I can't promise you that there will not be perversion, uncomfortable topics or posts about how much I had a crush on you. But what I can promise you is that it is the PAST and I am a totally different person now! In fact, I am certain you may hardly recognize me.

It's been over a year and half since I have written. Since then I have accomplished several of my goals that I only dreamnt about back then:
1- I FINALLY GOT MY OWN PLACE!!!!
2- I GOT A NEW CAR!!!
3- COLLEGE IS PAID OFF (and I have decided to continue my dream of studying Criminal Justice
4- I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND (and he wonderful)
5- I FINALLY GOT BACK INTO DANCE CLASS

I am afraid to erase my past because I may want to remember and see how I have progressed (or not)! so please forgive me if you are horrified by anything.

I am in debt up to my ears and have decided to find a way to make extra bucks which is by getting certified as a notary signing agent and trying to work by myself (with the approval of my job) to make a few bucks on weekends and evenings. Well right now, I am off to do a few important errands and to see the pulmonary physician. Write more later I am sure.

God loves you and so do I,
Indy

current mood: hopeful
3 petals| pick this rose apart
Monday, January 26th, 2009
10:52 pm - I Don't Believe in Love (Love this song and this motto)
_____________________________________________________
I Don't Believe In Love

I awoke on impact
Under surveillance from the camera eye
Searching high and low
The criminal mind found at the scene of the crime
Handcuffed and blind, I didn't do it
She said she loved me
I guess I never knew
But do we ever, ever really know?
She said she'd meet me on the other side
But I knew right then, I'd never find her

I don't believe in love
I never have, I never will
I don't believe in love
It's never worth the pain that you feel

No more nightmares, I've seen them all
From the day I was born, they've haunted my every move
Every open hand's there to push and shove
No time for love it doesn't matter
She made a difference
I guess she had a way
Of making every night seem bright as day
Now I walk in shadows, never see the light
She must have lied 'cause she never said goodbye

I don't believe in love
I never have, I never will
I don't believe in love
I'll just pretend she never was real
I don't believe in lovev I need to forget her face, I see
it still
I don't believe in love
It's never worth the pain that you feel

No chance for contact
There's no raison d'etre
My only hope is one day I'll forget
The pain of knowing what can never be
With or without love it's all the same to me

I don't believe in love
I never have, I never will
I don't believe in love
I'll just pretend she never was real
I don't believe in love
I need to forget her face, I see it still
I don't believe in love
It's never worth the pain that you feel


(from www. azlyrics.com)

current mood: scared
3 petals| pick this rose apart
Wednesday, December 24th, 2008
11:30 pm - Happy Holidays
Happy Holidays to my faithful few!

xoxoxo - Indy

current mood: drunk
pick this rose apart
Sunday, October 12th, 2008
11:49 pm - lyrical post
song by Missy Higgins

- dedicated to my first love
lyrics borrowed from www.azlyrics.com

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

current mood: numb
pick this rose apart
Wednesday, July 30th, 2008
7:07 am - My Myspace Page
Hi all,

In case you haven't heard, I had to delete my profile because my picture got stolen and my profile got hacked. Also I hardly go online anyways so it's hard to monitor it and stupid me I accepted every friend request I got. i will probably soon get rid of face book, etc. still debating.

Well have a blessed day!

Love To You

(I'll write more later this week... hopefully)

current mood: restless
pick this rose apart
Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008
6:59 am - Thought this was interesting.
I only got a 50% :/
Let me know what you get:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25461301/

current mood: optimistic
pick this rose apart
Saturday, February 16th, 2008
8:12 am - At a friends request, here are the answers I filled out when I first did the survey for Battah <333
1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
A. yes, or at least i think it's serious...

2) What was your dream growing up?
A. to be a singer or a back up singer/dancer

3) What talent do you wish you had?
A. to be really good at sports

4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
A. sex on the beach because it reminds me of some good times.

5) Favorite vegetable?
A. corn

6) What was the last book you read?
A. Bondage... it was so good. I wish I remembered the author but I already gave the book away.

7) What zodiac sign are you?
A. cancer the crab

8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
A. just an ear hole in each ear. I should have second holes by my birthday and hopefully a tattoo before I die.

9) Worst Habit?
A. eating when I am not hungry or eating when I am anxious/ upset.

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
A. yes:)

11) What is your favorite sport?
A. basketball

12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
A. Negative but people who don't know me well would say the opposite, I hide it well..

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
A. If I knew you? I'd hug and kiss you all over :-D

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
A. car accident when my brakes went while approaching a red light at the end of a hill.

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
A. I have a "drop shoulder" (my right side)

16) Do you have any pets?
A. no, I wish...

17) What if i showed up at your house unexpectedly?
A. I'd be really happy and invite you in and play catch up. I would be really nervous though because I haven't seen you in a while.

18) What was your first impression of me? (hmmm...careful!)
A. I thought you were soooo pretty and you would never be friends with someone like me.

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
A. neither, I just think they are funny

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
A. my hair, I wouldn't have ethnic hair, I'd have long straight hair that grows and doesnt need to be straightened.

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
A. conscience

22) What color eyes do you have?
A. brown

23) Ever been arrested?
A. no

24) Bottle or can soda?
A. bottle

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
A. pay off my debt :/

27) What's your favorite place to hang at?
A. bf's

28) Do you believe in ghosts?
A. absolutely! I've seen them many times

29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
A. sleep and read

30) Do you swear a lot?
A. no, occasionaly

31) Biggest pet peeve?
A. my bros leaving dirty dishes and food in my bedroom

32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
A. worthless

33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
A. yes, but i don't believe i will ever find it..

35) Do you believe in God?
A. yes, that's the only reason i won't commit suicide

36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
A. Sure, I'd love to =)

current mood: grateful
1 petal| pick this rose apart
Saturday, February 9th, 2008
3:40 pm - Friend Survey
Fill this out please, so I can get to know more about you.
If you're on my friends-list, I want to know 36 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, or if we already know everything about each other. Short and sweet is fine ... You're on my list, so I want to know you better!

Be honest! Copy from here, then send directly to me in a comment, then repost the empty questions.

1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
A.

2) What was your dream growing up?
A.

3) What talent do you wish you had?
A.

4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
A.

5) Favorite vegetable?
A.

6) What was the last book you read?
A.

7) What zodiac sign are you?
A.

8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
A.

9) Worst Habit?
A.

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
A.

11) What is your favorite sport?
A.

12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
A.

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
A.

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
A.

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
A.

16) Do you have any pets?
A.

17) What if i showed up at your house unexpectedly?
A.

18) What was your first impression of me? (hmmm...careful!)
A.

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
A.

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
A.

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
A.

22) What color eyes do you have?
A.

23) Ever been arrested?
A.

24) Bottle or can soda?
A.

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
A.

27) What's your favorite place to hang at?
A.

28) Do you believe in ghosts?
A.

29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
A.

30) Do you swear a lot?
A.

31) Biggest pet peeve?
A.

32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
A.

33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
A.

35) Do you believe in God?
A.

36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
A.

current mood: lazy
6 petals| pick this rose apart
Saturday, June 16th, 2007
8:41 am
I hope he calls today :(

The end

current mood: scared
pick this rose apart
Saturday, April 21st, 2007
12:52 am - Worth the Wait
I really love this guy. He is everything I have been looking for [[[and more]]]. It took me 23 yrs to meet someone [[[[like this]]]], but it was worth the 5 years of hurt & pain & wondering why. I just wish I could take back all the time i [[[wasted]]] worrying and hating myself and give it to him or done something productive with it.

I*m in love with the most [[[Beautiful]]] person I have met. And everyday I fall harder than the day before.

How do I find words to explain it?

This Easter was the worse ever, got in a huge argument with my Aunt. But you know what? you choose the people that are allowed to hurt you. And I am no longer going to [[[allow]]] her to.

current mood: thankful
3 petals| pick this rose apart
Tuesday, February 27th, 2007
1:37 pm - I Heart Basketball!
Last night was an awesome night! Todd surprised me & got us tickets to the High School Basketball tournament @ the Civic Center :) It was so great, we got to see his old team he used to play on - Cambridge & they lost to Stillwater by a basket. Then we saw Schnectady Catholic win against Hoosick Valley High by a basket as well. Sick, Sick games! I loved it.

tonight is the last basketball game of the season for the team my dad and I are coaching (grade 6-9). i am really excited but also really sad because the season went by so fast. this yr i didn't coach as well because we had another head coach & he pretty much had all of his practices and game lineups made up so i was mostly a rebound catcher, lol. but still it was nice to be called coach and also this yr i got shirt that says "COACH" and i got a team pic, so i am happy. i will probably coach again next yr but as a head coach or asst with my dad. it was hard at first for me to see Todd around the basketball schedule, but he is over it and we are getting thru it and now its over so we will have more time. and now i feel good that i am doing something with my brother as well. plus, basketball is my favorite sport.

i also recently joined a brand new gym called planet fitness, it's great and its only $10 a month. great hours too! the only downer is its 20 miles away or so. And working in the daycare at Church is going swell as well. so yeah, life is not That Bad...

P.s. my friend just got a job here with me - finally, no more lunches at my damn desk!

current mood: loved
pick this rose apart
Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007
12:58 pm - a milestone.
it feels pretty good to not depend on lj anymore. to not feel "incomplete" about not writing an entry. to leave some mystery to my life. to make some decisions on my own & see how they turn-out. but seeing that this is also a journal, it goes without saying that i still want to write down SOME things about my life.. so i can navigate my journal a year from now and see all the things that went on. just as i do year-after-year.

Well yesterday was our 6-month anniversary. it feels really good to have a 6-month anniversary with my first serious bf. we've had some rough spots, as do all relationships.. but i am so happy to say it's made Us stronger. And for that, how can We go wrong? he is starting college this month and now the big fear of college women is setting in my mind. but i need to stop. if he's going to meet someone, he's going to meet someone. if he doesn't want to, he won't. and if he is happy w/ me then he will be w/me. but that's something that's not up to me and something i have no control over. so i am accepting that.

i've been assistant coaching a bball team with my dad again this year. it started in january and it is going on until march. its pretty cool to have some community service under my belt. and im still working in the toddler room at my 2nd church.

Xmas was great. i finally got a digital camera :) and i actually finished my shopping way before xmas which made me feel good. i got 4 things from Todd for xmas: a huge yankee candle (christmas cookie scent), a red sweatshirt, New Balance Sneakers & a Disney world sweatshirt i wanted :) and also the other day i got a single red rose <333

just got my raise two weeks ago too, so life is pretty good!

current mood: touched
pick this rose apart
Sunday, October 29th, 2006
6:22 am
my great Uncle is in hospital right now :/ I am going to see him later today with my older brother.

i hope i see/talk my boyfriend tonight, i really miss him.

current mood: worried
pick this rose apart
Saturday, October 21st, 2006
9:20 am - the world revolves around us..
things are going good. as good as they can go when all things are considered & thats pretty damn good. yesterday was my daddy's birthday so we went out to applebees. my mommy had a margarita. it was cute. my daddy had 2 beers and his prime ribs that he loves. i had the chicken, broccoli alfredo - my fave dish there. and of course dessert. my dad and i split the bill. i was hoping he wouldn't have to pay anything, but, of course that didn't happen :/ i got my dad a $30 gift cert to his fave store, Dick's.

Ann & I started volunteering at the other church that we go to. It is so fun. we work in the Toddler (ages 1-3) once a month. we play toys with them and then they eat goldfish for snack. we also greet the parents and make sure they are registered to be there and that their parents get them and have the same number that their kid does. i am very impressed with the security level at that church. definately a church i wouldn't mind my kids going to some day if i have some, that is. we also work at a K-5 room once a month, too. its a little more involved though.. you have to remember the lessen curriculm. so that would be a challenge. but its a good thing and maybe i'll learn some more too. its funny how i never wanted to have kids but being around them so much and talking about having some has removed some of the bitterness from my heart. i think ive changed. and i hope thats a good thing. and i hope some day i will have changed enough to be mature and considered an adult. but that comes with time, i guess. i mean - i know - and unfortunately experience is the best teacher of them all.

i went to the doctor's on monday and they said i lost some weight. that's good. but im not excited yet - im not even close to my goal. my biggest fear is that i may never be. but to who can i blame but myself? something i did notice is that i can cross my legs and fit them under my desk like that. i couldn't do that for the longest. its the little things that count, i suppose. well at least to me [now]. i am holding onto every piece of goodness and not taking it for granted. i dont know how long anything will last. and i want to be there when it ends and know i did everything i did to preserve those fine moments. and that i didn't leave anything crucial unsaid.

work is good. next month is 3yrs for me. im happy about that. who'd ever think i could stay at a job longer than a few months? go me! last weekend i cleaned the bathroom, my room & my car. that may not be a lot, but to me that is amazing to have energy to be able to do one thing a day. who'd ever think i'd be excited to stay home and clean? well it's gotten to this point where i would rather be settled than on the go.
its also gotten to the point where there is no possible way i can seem to please anyone. everything i do is wrong. but that is just something i will have to accept. that's life, unfortunately. i am sorry

current mood: worried
2 petals| pick this rose apart
Friday, October 6th, 2006
5:58 am - he said no
he said no & rightfully so.dinner lasted from 9pm to 2am.
i want the world to know what a whore i am. and what a fake i am. this guy fuckin loved me and i pretty much cheated on him even though i didn't have sex with this guy. this guy would do anything for me and i took advantage of his feelings -- feelings i didn't even realize existed. this guy gave me everything he had. he said that part of him is saying to forgive me and the other part of him is saying he shouldn't. i deserve all of this. i know that doesnt make it right or harder to deal, but i want everyone to know what an asshole i am. i have to live with this mistake that i hurt the one guy that will probably ever love me as much as he did. that's a lot to swallow, but that's the choice i made the day i stepped in muddy water.
1 petal| pick this rose apart
Thursday, October 5th, 2006
5:09 pm - i don*t deserve this... *but*
dinner at 8 o'clock in glens falls. no promises but a chance may be given. 2 hours and 48 mins til i find out

current mood: guilty
pick this rose apart
Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
5:31 pm - *boyfriendless*

its been done, i told him about sunday when i hung out with Sean.  

i wish i coud save it. but he will never be able to trust me again and i will never be able to trust myself again.  

i never made a man cry before.  i was really wrong about this one, this guy was crazy about me.  i hurt him and there is nothing i can do about it and sorry won't work either. 

what hurt him even worse was that last night was the best night we have ever had.  and the last.  good bye for a while, journal.....



current mood: sad
3 petals| pick this rose apart
11:14 am - last night
October has got to be my favorite Month of all time.  I just love Autumn.  The leaves are turning so beautifully.  It is pretty cool to know a guy who feels the same about autumn leaves, moonlight and mountains.  Last night we went to Vermont.  It is so pretty there, especially at night.  Then we went up in the mountains and I got to see where the Vermont Spring Water comes from and we drank some and got to see some deer and foxes.  Wow, so pretty.
5 petals| pick this rose apart
Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006
1:43 am - i love reminders
so today was another sucky day at work - until about 5 o'clock when Matt, one of the loan officers in my "fan club" (haha) came over to visit me.  i immediately figured it was a problem that obvouisly couldn't wait until tomorrow when i had more time, so i silently sighed.  then i shook his hand because i had never met him in person only talked and emailed him all the time to help him with his closings.  i noticed he had one hand behind his back but didn't think anything of it.

then he placed a blank envelope on my desk and he was like this is a card to show my boss and i's appreciation for all the work that you do :) and i opened it up and there was a $20 gift cert to putnam market.  and a really pretty card to go with it signed by him and his boss pete.  i could've cried but instead i smiled and i was like thank you so much and of course everyone else was like aww indra ur so nice. so  yeah it was so nice and he was like ur work never goes unappreciated.  today was a day where i felt like quitting - like walking right out - but what would that have accomplished anyhow?  God always sends me nice reminders, i like that!

anyways, something about "Chicken cordon Bleau, my stomach does not agree with.  Why? i have no clue. there is not much else in there besides chicken, cheese and ham, right?  last time i ate that i got sick.  i thought maybe it was the deli so i bought one from a diff. place this time and i still got sick.  hmm, anyways don't ask me why i would by a sandwich i know i can't eat for lunch on a day where i am barely surviving.  

ha.. thats just me being me again...

friday should be an interesting day.  we are having some big company meeting, we got the email today. and it said "donuts and coffee will be provided." i wonder what that's all about.  anyways the sucky part is the meeting is at 9AM and it said "please don't be late".  if i make it to november, it will be 3 yrs for me. hopefully that will be more $$$$.  but then again i heard some people did not get their raises this yr :-( a promotion would be nice but unfortunately where i am i dont foresee a position i could move up to, except like senior funding coordinator or something like that.  i doubt they would need a funding manager when there is only 2 of us. anyways ill leave that thinking up to the big guys.  friday is also joyce's bday. she is like one of the first friends i made when i started working here.  she been gone for 8 months due to knee surgery.  she also is the one who lost her husband.  so friday she is looking forward to drinking with me.  also we have a major deal going down so there is a lot to celebrate.  honestly i dont really expect gifts or anything from loan officers and coworkers and stuff because its my job to care about closings going thru and stuff.  but i guess i do help people a lot more than i am required to per my job description. and a lot of areas i help people in are not even my own department's concerns but since i know how the system works i am able to extend my help if i am not busy.  i havent started looking for a  new job yet cuz i still have that tardy problem.  also i feel like i am really going somewhere in this company.

wow i cant believe i just wrote a whole entry about work. that'z crazy!!

current mood: sick
pick this rose apart
> previous 20 entries
> top of page
LiveJournal.com